“Everyone on earth should believe that they have something to give the world which cannot otherwise be given.”
Nicole Cody, Cauldrons and Cupcakes Blog
Sometimes I think I’ve got life sorted, as much as possible. Then you get thrown a curve ball. Mine came recently when I received the news that a friend had taken his own life. I won’t go into the details, but it shocked me to the core. I had no idea he was feeling that way. And so, I began that well documented journey through the stages of grief – denial (no, it can’t be true), anger (you arsehole!!), bargaining, depression (could I end up feeling like him?) and acceptance. Bloody hell, you can read about these things all you want, but when it happens, nothing prepares you.
I don’t want to write about suicide as such. Everyone has their own view on it, and I need to respect that. What I want to share is the fact that when someone dies, they leave a gap that absolutely no one else can fill. My friend took up a space in my heart that no one else can ever claim. And when I went for a walk the first day after I heard the news, I could actually feel that my world had diminished because he’s no longer in it. It’s so easy to think we don’t count, or don’t make a difference. Especially if you are comparing yourself to everyone else. Yet, I know with my friends, it’s the fact they exist that is important. Not what they do, or how much money they have.
I got left a note. It was hard to read. It was also hard for others to let me discuss it with them. You know, sometimes you’ve just got to jump in with people, listen to their story and give them a hug. Let them cry. It passes, but sadness on that level needs to be acknowledged.
Death always brings up the big questions too. Is there life after death? What do I really, really believe? And why the hell did I eat three chocolate bars in a row when I was feeling sad?
I also know that my friend would be looking down going ‘goodness sakes Jane, get a grip’. I’d like to say to him, goodbye my friend. I hope you are travelling better now.
And on that note, it may well be time for a cup of tea and a Celine Dion song or two…
Woah, that is REALLY hard! Grief takes so long, and so many forms, and is different for everyone… be gentle with yourself