September | 2016 | Jane Ainslie

Lots of people seem to write these letters to their younger selves, but frankly, I think a lot of them are quite unrealistic. It’s hard to think about writing to a self that existed before spell check, the internet, Instagram or selfies (or even before fucking texting). It was a different life, but even so, the basics seem to remain the same. So, this is what I would say to myself, if I was looking back 25 years (I would be 27).

Get a fucking grip. You are hot and the world is your oyster.

Unfortunately, you often can’t see that this is the truth when you are young…

So, maybe I would say this. The road ahead is long (if you are lucky). The years ahead may be difficult, but the best may be yet to come. Never forget, you are important. You count as much as anyone else on this planet. God gets to experience the world through your eyes, and no one exists on the planet like you. That makes you very special, so you cannot, for one moment, doubt your importance.

That’s probably all I would say. And yeah, have some great sex along the way, and drink the wine you like, and as many martinis as you fancy. But balance it out with Dandelion Coffee. Wear tight clothes while you can. Travel lots. Don’t worry about being married. Revel in yourself. The journey goes really fast.

Lots of love,

I only have a couple of things on my bucket list, and one of them is to do a long drive somewhere on my own. Don’t ask me why, I just always wanted to do it. So, after upgrading my car for the first time in eleven years, I decided to go visit one of my beloved friends and her twin boys in Castlemaine, Victoria. For non-Aussies, that’s a round trip, across state borders, of 1,250kms. Here’s the map my muse (hubby) printed out for me. The blue line was the intended route, but once you get to a certain place in Victoria (fucking Horsham. Let’s just name it), then there are a couple of ways you can get to Castlemaine. Or so I thought. The trip was great for the first six hours. It was around the time I hit Horsham that it went pear shaped.

The road signs in Victoria are pathetic. I’ve drawn in the approximate route I ended up taking, which added another 100kms onto the trip, and another couple of hours. Who knew that there are no significant sign posts to Castlemaine, and who knew that trying to read a map was so pointless? On the way home, I just pulled over in the small towns and asked people where to go next.
The trip was fabulous. I had so much fun with my friend and her little ones. I now know all the verses of ‘The Wheels On The Bus’ and could probably recreate Thomas The Tank Engine’s Useful Word Book from my memory. Lots of gin was drunk, lots of talk was had. There’s nothing like catching up with an old friend.

So Jane, I hear you say, what amazing insights did you glean from your bucket experience. Let me share the following with you.

Often, if you follow a map you’ll get lost. Especially a google maps print out.
Celine Dion CDs will get you through the scariest backroads you find yourself on when you are a long way from home.
They make great pies and pastries in country towns, and the public loos are pretty good too.
And it’s true. There’s no place like home!!