coping | Jane Ainslie

“Everyone on earth should believe that they have something to give the world which cannot otherwise be given.”

Nicole Cody, Cauldrons and Cupcakes Blog

Sometimes I think I’ve got life sorted, as much as possible. Then you get thrown a curve ball. Mine came recently when I received the news that a friend had taken his own life. I won’t go into the details, but it shocked me to the core. I had no idea he was feeling that way. And so, I began that well documented journey through the stages of grief – denial (no, it can’t be true), anger (you arsehole!!), bargaining, depression (could I end up feeling like him?) and acceptance. Bloody hell, you can read about these things all you want, but when it happens, nothing prepares you.

I don’t want to write about suicide as such. Everyone has their own view on it, and I need to respect that. What I want to share is the fact that when someone dies, they leave a gap that absolutely no one else can fill. My friend took up a space in my heart that no one else can ever claim. And when I went for a walk the first day after I heard the news, I could actually feel that my world had diminished because he’s no longer in it. It’s so easy to think we don’t count, or don’t make a difference. Especially if you are comparing yourself to everyone else. Yet, I know with my friends, it’s the fact they exist that is important. Not what they do, or how much money they have.

I got left a note. It was hard to read. It was also hard for others to let me discuss it with them. You know, sometimes you’ve just got to jump in with people, listen to their story and give them a hug. Let them cry. It passes, but sadness on that level needs to be acknowledged.

Death always brings up the big questions too. Is there life after death? What do I really, really believe? And why the hell did I eat three chocolate bars in a row when I was feeling sad?

I also know that my friend would be looking down going ‘goodness sakes Jane, get a grip’. I’d like to say to him, goodbye my friend. I hope you are travelling better now.

And on that note, it may well be time for a cup of tea and a Celine Dion song or two…

This is not what you want to greet you when you walk into your wardrobe, amongst your carefully collected, much loved vintage clothes. My wee ferret Lottie has a climbing fixation, and it’s driving me crazy. But I digress. Winter is drifting into spring here in South Australia, and it’s been an exciting time. We had a TOTAL blackout of our whole state two weeks ago. Everywhere!! There was chaos in the city because all the traffic lights, ATMs, petrol stations and shops were closed down. All the country towns were blacked out – we were the laughing stock of Australia. I think over 1.2 million people were without power.

Us oldies knew what to do though. Luckily my muse and I have a gas powered stove. We hung a torch above the oven and proceeded to cook every evil, fattening, fabulous thing in our deep freeze and fridge (because by the morning it would probably be off). We had a feast of curry puffs, minced beef with bacon and a bottle of tequila. On reflection, the tequila probably would have kept if it had been thawed a little, but nonetheless. I still have an ancient landline, connected to a phone that doesn’t run off electricity. I called friends interstate, and they told me what was happening from their news updates on the TV. It was great. I also sat in my car in the garage (I wasn’t going out into the mayhem of the roads), and listened to the AM radio, which was still broadcasting. A fairly early, fat-fuelled, drunken night was had by all. I’m thinking the maternity wards will be very busy nine months from now…

Last week we had a week of hot, hot temperatures. I packed up my winter wardrobe – dry cleaned all my coats, washed and packed away all my winter tops and dresses – only to have us plunge back into freezing temperatures this week. I’m wandering around in the only two outfits I can be bothered to wash again. Life is so unpredictable.

So, as we slide into summer and Christmas, I’m left to ponder yet again, where did the year go? And what did I do in this year? But before I answer those questions, I need to figure out how I’m going to keep Lottie from climbing up the Christmas tree next month. Yup, I put the tree up on November 1st. I bloody love all the decorations and it takes so long to put them all away, I want to enjoy them. I’m thinking I’m going to have to find a really big box to perch the tree on. I wonder what Jesus would make of it? And Lottie! Well on that note…