joy | Jane Ainslie

So, last week I was mooching along, just doing the same old thing, when a massage therapist told me she could feel a ‘mass’ in my abdomen, when I was having a very rare massage (never have them. Note to self, don’t have one again). With my background in nursing, I was able to envision the worst case scenario, and spent the rest of the evening wondering if I was going to die in the next few months.

I went to the ED the next day (because going to the doctor costs so much), only to be examined, and told, there was something there, but that I should urgently see my GP and get a scan. After a minor meltdown, I managed to get into to see my doctor. She thought there was something wrong, but I couldn’t get a scan till the next morning. By now, I seriously thought I was going to be given some horrible news the next day. I spent the evening sitting in shock, reviewing my life, and wondering if this was it.

I left the house the next morning, to walk to the place where I was getting my scan. There was a rainbow in the sky, and I hoped it was a sign. When I got to my appointment, I think I had the most burnt-out radiographer on the planet doing my scan. I casually mentioned I’d been a nurse, and that the general public can be a pain in the butt. That seemed to open a floodgate for this poor guy, who used more swear words than I’ve ever heard in one sentence, as he let me know how much he hated his job. At the end of it, he swung the screen around, announcing to me that there was absolutely nothing wrong that he could see, and that the doctors and massage therapist were dickheads!

Turns out he was right. Turns out I spent 2 days and $300 thinking I was dying when I wasn’t. And it turns out, when I was in the dark night of my soul, contemplating if I’d had a good life, I thought to myself, yes, I have! In fact, the only thing I’ve decided to change is that I need to do more sewing and craft. I dragged my muse to IKEA with me on the weekend, and purchased a flatpack craft table. It’s still in the back of the car, because I’m going to have to rearrange the entire house to accommodate it. But I don’t care. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance and I’m certainly going to dive into my creative endeavours with a lot more enjoyment than I was doing before.

So, on that note I’m going to go and hunt through my patterns for my next sewing project, review my crochet wool, think about where I’m going to put my two new miniature dollhouse projects and get stuck into my next novel. No, I really can’t see where I’m going to fit the housework in…

Last post I talked about Marie Kondo, and her book on tidying up your house. At first glance, she does seem a bit mad, but I’ve spent quite a bit of time applying her principals (principles?) to my belongings, and I was shocked to find that her system does indeed change your perception of yourself.

Her basic method is to examine every single bloody thing you own and ask yourself ‘does this spark joy in me?’ If it doesn’t then you have to let it go.

It’s quite a confronting thing to do. I got rid of so much stuff from my bookcase and wardrobe alone, that I physically felt ill when I took it all to the second hand shop. I didn’t feel ill because I was letting it go, there was something else at the bottom of it, but I couldn’t figure it out.

The next day I went to see my best friend (BF), and while I was telling her about how I felt, I suddenly blurted out that I’d held onto a lot of things I didn’t need, want or like in my life because I didn’t want to hurt the people (mainly family) who had given me the stuff I didn’t want. Their happiness was somehow deemed more important than mine, so I held onto a lot of their crap so I wouldn’t upset them. And with that, I burst into tears.

It was never about the ‘stuff’.

Marie also says that letting go of things you don’t use in your life, gives them the opportunity to do what they were created for. That hit a big chord too. I’ve been in a profession I really don’t want to be in for over ten years now (nursing). It’s feels like I’ve put myself in the back of a drawer and not let myself be used for what I was designed to do.

And strangely, this week I’m finding a new road to go down which may very well take me where I would love to go.

So, if you are looking for some insights that might very well put you on a different path, then I suggest you read her book. Be warned though, it works.